Leaked news n other stuff.
Well where do I begin ( shuffles imaginary papers )?
As you are all aware the 4KK news team are here to bring you breaking ( that’s next door but ones 🐕 chasing next doors 🐈 around the beer…I mean coffee table ) news, when it happens……as it happens.
We have reporters based around the world to bring you ground breaking ( that’s next door but ones 🐕 still chasing next doors 🐈. I wish they’d pack it in ) news 24-7, unless I’m sleeping, obviously 🙄.
Reporters such as Conor, LCM, chief Ireland and UK correspondent and Assistant Manager
GDoc, Goalie, head of North American stuff and American Ambassador.
Dimi, or whatever the actual fook he calls himself these days, LCB and chief of European affairs.
Sir Matty RCM ( always whining because I don’t play him very often ) north American correspondent, Vice President of recruitment and head of Anilitistuff. That’s a tongue twister… don’t be rude….for a change…
Not forgetting our freelance reporters, Nightsbridge Jerry, LCM and head of negotiations and Stu, DM and a avid bicycle faller offer…that means he falls off his bike alot., Quite alot to be fair.
If I’ve missed any fooker out, then sue me✏️.
Forgotten wtaf I’m on about now….. It’s a good job next doors 🐈 can read the notes she…I mean I wrote earlier.
Leaked reports have come to my attention that Bielsa has been head hunted from Leeds in order to help the BlueShite in their bid for relegation. He’s promised he can achieve this by mid March…. possibly the beginning of April.
We live in hope, said everyone.
Frank the plank n fat bastard Lampard called my red phone….you know the one, it’s the secret phone that only I haven’t access too, apart from next doors 🐈 for obviously obvious reasons.
He chatted and chatted for…………….minutes before next door but ones 🐕 took over the phone coz I couldn’t understand a word the plank was saying….
To cut a longish story short, Frank the plank n a fat bastard…. mentioned he was saddened to leave ( we all are, ya plank..n a fat bastard.)before the job was completed.
Farhad Moshiri mentioned his hands where tied behind his back by Bill Kenwright ( the filthy fooker ) in regards to Frank the ( fat bastard ) plank being sacked….if only he’d won one in four… possibly three, he could have been saved to complete his mission.
In other leaked news,
Steven Gerrard said..err, I had no intention of managing Poland….he was questioned at great length by Asif, ( roaming reporter.or summat???) After many hours of interrogation..I mean questioning Stevie admitted he can’t manage Poland because he forgot to renew his passport.
I’m not sure you good people are aware but ( this is fact, said Rafa….once or three times ) it takes longer to renew a people’s Republic of Liverpool passport than it takes for those heathen English at our boarders, but at least we have the river Mersey to stem the flow of the wannabe Scousers from the Wirral, though to be fair the damned underground railway, the two Mersey tunnels and the friggin ferry doesn’t help our cause……oh yeah and that stupid bridge at Runcorn needs to be bombed….in the small hours when there’s no traffic, obviously….n Lime Street station needs to be closed for 50 years.at least for renovations n other stuff………..
I digress, where the fook was I?
Raiola mentioned to my European correspondent, Dimi that he’s about to sign new players to his cult…I mean agency. Then again I’d disregard that as ya can’t believe a word Dimi says…he likes making stuff up, as you all know.
Wayne ( I love grannies ) Rooney was questioned….at length ( obviously ) by my chief north American correspondent and American Ambassador, GDoc about the prospect of returning to da Pool to manage the BlueShite. He said, and I quote,” fook that shite….it’s fooking freezing over there at the minute n I’ve had most of, if not all of the grannies anyway.”
To be fair he’s correct on both points, the thick twat.
In other leaked thingies,
Rafa was asked if he’d ever consider managing the BlueShite again.
Conor, on location from Jocks back garden took this interview.
Conor, ” So Rafa, be geez, be geez, do you think you can handle the job…again?”
Rafa, ” Well let’s deal with facts. I almost completed the job but the fact is I wasn’t doing the job quickly enough. Fact. The BlueShite sacked me because I wasn’t good enough in sending them down. Fact. Frank the ( fat bastard ) plank came in and he failed to send them down last season. Fact. They did however win the pitch invasion 2022 trophy of the season. Their cabinet has a trophy in it now, so he had to go. Mr. Moshiri is quite clear what he wants for the club and staying in the premier League isn’t part of his plans.”
Conor, “So Rafa, in your experienced opinion, who do you think will be a good manager to achieve the owners goal?”
Rafa scratched his chins before answering, ” Well Conor…..by the way, do you still live in a tent in Jocks back garden?”
Conor proudly 🙄 answered, ” Yes I do n it’s fooking freezing “
Rafa, ” You learned that word from Reds next doors 🐈, right, that lil fooker can swear alright”
Rafa, ” sorry, I forgot the question…some fooker is typing a pile of shite “
Conor, ” Who do you believe will be the next BlueShite manager? “
he’s good ya know, he never loses his focus, that’s why he’s the best paid reporter on the 4KK newsroom books.
Rafa, ” Well word on the street Conor is Rightous Dude has a play in this. I believe he can complete the job, Red disagrees but wtf does he know?”
Conor, “Yeah red always chats shite, can’t disagree there, Rafa.
Rafa,,” Fact”.
Conor, ” Thanks for your time Rafa, here’s a bottle of Champagne “
Rafa, ” Fook that French swill, where is my Cava…bitch?”
Conor hurridly ( I’ve got a red line under hurridly which means it’s not a actually actual word, arh fook it ) raced to the fridge to get Rafa his Cava.
Greg, head of all things Australian suggested we all have a Barbie, I’m not sure that’s appropriate on a family site like this, said next doors 🐈
Greg did mention he meant cooking food over a grilled thingy on the beach, which does sound kind of appealing but it’s fooking winter here Greg.
The rest of the 4KK footy team were consulted and it was a unanimous decision we’ll be on the next available flight over to Ozz, the land of wonder, men at work n stuff like that to take Greg up on his kind offer.
See ya soon Greg.
On a side note, Greg did promise his influence on all things down under he can get special visas for next doors 🐈, next door but ones 🐕,Conor and Jerry too, though he did stipulate the latter two must be on their bestest behaviour on the trip over or they’ll be thrown out of the ejector thingy ( y’all thought I was going to say something else there…tbh, I almost did.) Looks like we’ll be requiring two new LCM’s next season.🤭.
There are many more news stories I can release under pain of subscription. If you’re interested post your donations to # reds dodgy account @ Switzerland. Fooking . com. Close all the spaces..n see where that takes you 😂.
Plenty of talking points there so send in your questions ( and donations, obviously) to the 4KK newsroom.
My personal secretary, that’s next doors 🐈 will be happy to take your calls.
She says she won’t be happy which means she will be happy…I think 🤔.
This is the 4KK newsroom where leaked reports reach you first.
P.S. DaBandit told me earlier that I write a load of shite….well he didn’t but I know he wanted too. I just refused to pick up the phone and I ignored several texts 🤣.
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